Little Johnny 2
Two Crazy Kids
Dear Husband
Cynical Wisdom
The Royal Navy
Obligatory Lawyer Joke
The South
Old Lady
GM and Microsoft
Dead Frog
An Eighties Love Story
Little Johnny
Grizzly Bear Warning
Useful Metric Conversions
Tomorrow's Exam
Living the Life
Mother and Child
Ford's Heaven
Important Press Release
Actual Article in the London Times
Undergrad and Grad
Brunette Gets Flowers
True Exam Story

Little Johnny 2

"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "can you give me twenty dollars?"

"Certainly not."

"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."

His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money.

"Well? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "

Two Crazy Kids

Two high school sweethearts had been dating for four years, they had enjoyed losing their virginity together, and they were inseparable until they graduated.

They had planned on going to college together, but he was accepted to a school on the west coast, and she was accepted to a school on the east coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return his letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well, so he increased the number of phone calls, letters and e-mails in an attempt to save their relationship.

She became very annoyed with this when she started seeing a new fellow, and she wanted to get the old boyfriend off her back, so she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone!"

Needless to say, he was heartbroken, and very pissed off. So,... he wrote a note on the back of her photo:

"Dear Mom and Dad, I'm having a great time at college. Please send more money!"

...and then mailed the picture to her parents.

Dear Husband

To my darling Husband,

I am sending you this e-mail from a bogus software company address so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives two years ago.

The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good but yours was excellent! The chair and the back of your head are very realistic. You would be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with her on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am also doing well. I went blond about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really is more fun! Lars, I mean Mr. Swenson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I have discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you don't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last Spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I made sure the painters cut air holes in the drop cloth so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle Lars, Mr. Swenson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there will be packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup, and bring meals to your desk, - just the way you like it. I hope you and the PC have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jen and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love, Mary
(Your Wife)

CYNICAL WISDOM - by William John Watkins, 1999

I've learned...

that you cannot make someone love you. But you can make them pay.

that no matter how much I care, some people just won't stay the night.

that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to capitalize on it.

that it's not what you have in your life that counts but what you have in the bank.

that you can only get by on charm for about fifteen minutes, but it rarely takes much longer than that to get what you want.

that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do. A false sense of self esteem is better than none at all.

that you can do something in an instant that will give you herpes for life.

that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be, but somebody else was born being him.

that you should always leave loved ones with loving words, they may be revising their will.

that you can keep going long after you can't, and if you can't, they'll find somebody else who can.

that we are responsible for what we do, but you can usually lie your way out of it.

that either you control your attitude, or somebody bigger is going to kick your ass.

that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is, a man will still sneak a look at the blonde with the cleavage.

that heroes are the people who make the best impression on the reporter.

that money is a lousy way of keeping score, if you're losing.

that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time, as long as we're adequately supplied with appropriate pharmaceuticals.

that the people you expect to kick you when you're down will always aim for the head, assuming your more vulnerable parts are protected.

that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to piss in the punchbowl.

that true friendship and love continue to grow, even over the longest distance, as long as somebody else is paying the phone bill.

that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean you can't teach them better technique.

that maturity has less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated and more to do with what types of experiences you've had and escaped punishment for .

that your family won't always be there for you. You're bound to outlive some of them.

that families aren't biological. But DNA tests are still a valid means of determinng paternity.

that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while, so don't lend them money.

that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to get the charges dropped.

that no matter how bad your heart is broken, a man will still want sex.

that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but having a dysfunctional family doesn't entitle you to become a serial killer.

that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other, unless they do it in front of a divorce lawyer.

And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do. One of them may be deaf.

that we don't have to change friends if we change our underwear.

that you shouldn't be too eager to find out a secret, unless you work for a tabloid.

that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different, as long as one of them is a man and the other is a woman.

that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and somebody will blame you for it.

that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you, try to remember what they look like so you can tell the police.

that even when you think you have no more to give, you can always find some other sucker to help.

that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being, but they allow you to charge a lot more for being a bastard.

that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon, and the ones you hate will be around forever.

The Royal Navy

On the day of the wedding, Princess Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realized she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic ensued until her sister remembered she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding, so she lent them to Sophie for the day.

Unfortunately, they were too small and by the time the festivities were over, Sophie's feet were in agony. When she and Edward withdrew to their room, the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard what they expected: grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Prince Edward say "God, that was tight."

"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin."

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one."

More grunting and straining followed, and at last Edward said "My God! That was even tighter!"

"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."

Obligatory Lawyer Joke

Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Doctor: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer : But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Doctor: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Southernisms

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes,
The South has 'mater samiches.

The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has switchblade knives,
The South has Lee Press on Nails.

The North has double last names,
The South has double first names.

The North has Ted Kennedy,
The South has Jesse Helms.

The North has an ambulance,
The South has an amalance.

The North has the Mafia,
The South has the Klan.

The North has Indy car races,
The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat,
The South has grits.

The North has green salads,
The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters,
The South has craw dads.

The North has the rust belt,
The South has the Bible Belt.

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
Don't buy food at this store.

Remember, "ya'll" is singular, "all ya'll" is plural, and "all ya'll's" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of which are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed kill'n" is a valid legal defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, ya'll, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it.

Old Lady

Here's a heartwarming story. The letter was sent to the principal's office at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all human kind. Read it and forward it to all those who could use a lift.

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:

God blesses you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged All of my family has passed away. It's nice to know that someone really thinks of me. God blesses you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.

Sincerely,
Edna Johnston

Dead Frog

A little 12 year old boy is walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string, when he comes up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute. He knocks on the door, and the madam of the house answers, asking him what he wants.

He says that he wants what she's selling inside, has the money to buy it, and isn't leaving until he gets it.

Shocked, yet curious, she invites him in and asks him to pick any girl he likes. He tells her that he's heard all the men talking about having to go to the hospital and get shots after making love with Mable; that she's the girl he wants, and that he has the money to pay for it.

Speechless, the madam points up the stairs to Mable's room, and up he goes, dragging the frog behind him. Ten minutes later he comes back down, still dragging the frog. He pays the madam, and is heading out the door when the now very curious madam stops him to ask just why he's picked the only girl in the place with a disease.

He says: "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my mother and father are going out to a restaurant, leaving me at home with the baby-sitter. When they leave, I am going to make love to the baby-sitter and give her the disease I just caught. When Mom and dad get home, dad will take the baby-sitter home, and on the way, he will make love to her, and he will catch it. When dad gets home, he and Mom will go to bed, they will make love, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, make love to Mom, and he will catch it."

"..........and HE is the son-of-a-bitch that ran over my damned FROG!"

GM and Microsoft

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Mr. Gates' comments, General Motors issued the following press release (by Mr. Welch himself, the GM CEO) "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice daily.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
4. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable,five times as fast and twice as easy to drive.
6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by one "general car default" warning light.
7. New seats would force everyone to have the same size bottom.
8. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off
9. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally Road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice department.
11. Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
12. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

An Eighties Love Story

I was working part time in a five and dime. My boss was Mr. Magee. He was six foot four and full of muscles and walked like an Egyptian, but I was happy to be stuck with him. One manic Monday, while I was busy working for the weekend, I overheard him make a careless whisper.

He told two of my co-workers, Jack and Diane, that I gave love a bad name. Well, I got so emotional, baby. I told him to say say say what he wants, but don't play games with my affection. He told me it was hard for him to say he's sorry and not to worry, to be happy. Then he blamed it on the rain. He was so out of touch. It just took my breath away. I couldn't fight this feeling any longer. I asked him "What's love got to do with it?" He told me to get outta his store and his dreams and into my car.

So I figured I might as well jump. I cut footloose, went home and called my girl, Jenny. (You already know the number) She was on the other line with Amanda. They were talking about Mickey and how he was so fine. That blew my mind! Was she really going out with him? I told her that I had just called to say I love her. She told me she had been saving all her love for me, but now she was looking for a new love - asta la vista, baby. I thought "I can't go for that - no can do! Bring me a higher love!" I called up some of my old west end girls, hoping that one of them would want to get physical all night long (all night). First I called Billie Jean - she told me to beat it. I called Rosanna - her sister Christian blessed the rains down in Africa and then hung up on me. Come on, Eileen! ... no answer. Nobody told me there'd be days like these! I was feeling like the owner of a lonely heart.

Then, out of the blue, my best friend's girlfriend (she used to be mine) Roxanne calls. Yes, the real Roxanne. She told me she still hadn't found what she's looking for and that she wanted to take on me. I said "I thought you were Jessie's girl." She said "Don't you want me? You don't have to put on the red light - I'm on my own." What a feeling! I had the eye of the tiger. Who was I f-f-f-foolin? Roxanne drove me crazy like no one else. She's a beauty! She blinded me with science, and weird science at that. There was always something there to remind me of her and I just knew that I'd have the time of my life.

I wasn't about to la-di-da-di. I jumped in my little red Corvette and rocked down to Electric Avenue. I got my mind set on her. When I got to her house (in the middle of her street) I ran. I rapped on her front door and to this rapper's delight, I heard a voice say "Who can it be now?" "Here I am, the one that you love", I replied. I let my love open the door and was immediately lost in her eyes. I felt like a virgin touched for the very first time. She loosened her blouse and said "Rock me Amadeus!" Well, I felt it was my prerogative to bust a move. I told her "I'll tumble for ya!" as I pinned her on the stairs, hungry like the wolf.

Just then I felt an invisible touch on my shoulder. "Turn around bright eyes!" said a familiar voice. As I did, Jessie hit me with a sledgehammer of an uppercut that spun me right round like a record. He was hangin' tough and continued to roll with it, knocking the wind from beneath my wings - broken wings by this time. He rocked me tonight, for old time's sake, beating me from head to toe, until my true colors were black and blue and blood was spilling from my mouth like red, red wine. "You don't owe me money for nothing!" he snarled. At this point I was livin' on a prayer. I crawled back to my little red Corvette and drove home thinking about how my tainted love had cut like a knife - how it seems that every rose, truly, has its thorn. No longer do I want to know what love is. Love stinks.

Little Johnny

The teacher asked her class to write a story that ends with a moral.

The first one to tell is little Suzy. She told the class, "My dad owns a farm and one day we put the eggs from our chickens in a basket in the back of our truck and started off to town. On the way, a car pulled out in front of us suddenly, and my dad had to brake hard and swerve to miss the car, spilling all the eggs and breaking them. The moral is: don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Next was little Lucy. She told the class, "My dad owns a chicken farm, too. Every weekend we take the eggs and put them in an incubator. Last week only eight of twelve eggs hatched into chicks. The moral is: don't count your chickens until they hatch."

Then came little Johnny's turn. "My dad fought in Vietnam. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. When he parachuted out, he took with him a machine gun, a machete, and a bottle of whiskey. On the way down, he drank the bottle of whiskey. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun before he ran out of bullets. Then he drew out his machete and killed 20 more before the blade broke. He ended up killing the remaining 10 with his bare hands."

The horrified teacher looked on Johnny in shock and finally asked if there was a moral to his story.

Johnny replied "Yeah, don't f*** with my dad when he's been drinking."

Grizzly Bear Warning

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear encounters, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.

"We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper."

Useful Metric Conversions

1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
10 rations = 1 decoration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
10 monologs = 5 dialogues
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 baby sitters = 1 gramma grampa

Tomorrow's Exam

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student shakes her head, and sweetly says:

"Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with."

Living the Life

If you think life is bad.......How would you like to be an egg?

• You only get laid once.
• You only get eaten once.
• It takes 4 minutes to get hard.
• Only 2 minutes to get soft.
• You share your box with 11 other guys.
  
• But worst of all.....
  
• The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.

So cheer up.....Your life ain't that bad!!!

Mother and child

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moooo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud."

Ford's Heaven

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention...the assembly line for the automobile...changed the world. "

As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."

Ford thinks about it, and says, - "I want to hang out with God Himself."

So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, - "When you invented Woman, what were You thinking?" God asks, "What do you mean?"

"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days.
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.

Just to name a few."

"Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute." God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours.

Important Press Release:

The manufacturers of KY Jelly have announced that their product is now fully Year 2000 compliant.

In the light of this they have now renamed it as: 'Y2KY Jelly'.

Said a spokesman: "The main benefit of this revision to our product, is that you can now insert four digits into your date instead of two"

An actual ad in the London Times.

WANTED
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.

Undergrad and Grad

College Grad: God, I long for my college days.

College Student: What was your favorite part about college?

College Grad: I miss the classes.

College Student: That's what I love about school.

College Grad: Going to classes?

College Student: Nope. Missing them.

Brunette gets Flowers

Blonde and Brunette friends are walking down the street and pass a flower shop, where the Brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.....for no reason."

The Blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal, don't you like getting flowers?"

The Brunette says, "Oh, sure...but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The Blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"

TRUE Exam Story

This is reported by a graduate of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, citing one of Dr. Schlambaugh's final test questions for his final exam of 1997. Dr. Schlambaugh is known for asking questions like this one on his final exam, "Why do airplanes fly?"

In May 1997, the Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II final exam question was, "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Laws or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell it does not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of the religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With the birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of the change in the volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of the souls and volume needs to stay constant.

"Therefore: A1) If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and the pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose; or A2) If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase in souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

"So which is it?

"If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa Banyan during freshman year, that "it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then A2 cannot be true....Thus hell is exothermic."

The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.